I talk about adoption a lot on this blog and will continue to do so. Its no secret than I am not an advocate of adoption and I think its really important that adoption is crtitiqued through a feminist and social justice lens but I find what often gets lost in anti adoption/adoption reform positions is the idea that we should also look at the reasons and the drive for people adopting through a feminist and social justice lens. The virulently misogynistic way in which women who want to adopt is talked about in some anti adoption circles disturbs and saddens me.(and it is almost always the women who are ripped apart, once again the men become invisible) Recently the improper adoptee left a comment on one of My previous posts that said
Unfortunatly, sisterhood was destroyed by another monster. The green eyed one. Infertiles hate fertile women, because they are so jealous, bitter and feel so put upon because they can’t conceive, that they throw all their morals out the window. The retreat into the state of mind of an enraged 10 year old child, who wants to do bad things because they can’t have what they want.
firstly I think calling women jealous bitter and childish for whatever reason is really misogynistic but this is is not just about this comment, I have seen the same things said elsewhere numerous times, I have seen infertile women bee blamed for their infertility because they are too fat, don’t look after themselves, are too old, have had eating disorders, or who have spent time on their career when they “should” have been having children.
and this all seems like a kind of victim blaming to me, No I don’t think infertile women have a right to adopt, but I also don’t think its their fault that they are infertile, this kind of rhetoric takes no account of the world we live in, that we live in a world full of chemicals that fuck up our reproductive system, that we live in a world where a woman cant, unless she is extremely wealthy, have a child and a career because good child care is way to expensive, and women in the workplace are still seen as expendable.We live in a world where women are incredibly disconnected from their bodies so we do do damaging things to them, we live in a world where women don’t have their own places to live until relatively late because house prices are so expensive.
We also live in a world that tells women that motherhood is everything, that sells the ideal of motherhood as what makes you a real woman, we live in a world that doesn’t tell women that their are other just as valuable ways of giving to the future and supporting the communities we live as having a child we can call our “own”. We live in a world that individualises child rearing rather than seeing it as a communal effort.
None of this is the fault of infertile women, these things are the fault of individualist capitalist patriarchy.
also something else that’s often missed here is that not all people who are infertile want to adopt and not all people who adopt are infertile
Being infertile hurts and for some women it hurts more than others and I think that should be acknowledged and there should be compassion for that. I’m infertile myself and if I wasn’t an adoptee i might well have thought about adoption because i wouldn’t have known otherwise.
I think people who adopt do by and large think they are doing a good thing for society, it isn’t their fault that they live in a society that tells them this, and there are ways of making clear this is not true without woman blaming.
I have written on this very subject:
Riben, M. (2007). The Baby Chase Pits Women Against Women: Who “deserves” to Parent? Associated Content, Dec. 22.
Riben, M. (2007). Adoption: Pitting Women Against Women, OpEd News, Dec. 22.
I agree that society pressures women to marry and pressures married couples to procreate; to be fruitful and multiply. Women are made to feel they are not complete without a husband and children. This, in turn, creates jealousies: a nasty word, but a sad reality.
I also agree that some infertility is environmentally caused and some caused by illnesses that are no one’s “fault.” However, the majority is PREVENTABLE:
– delayed childbearing – number one cause of infertility in Western cultures
– obesity – yes, this is one of the major causes of infertility
– sexually transmitted diseases
– multiple abortions
– incompatibility with one’s partner
– celibacy
These are all REAL causes of MOST infertility. To say so is not to be cruel, just factual.
The major cause, however, of adoption pitting women against women however is financial. Upper class women misogynously/misognysly (?) purchase the services of lower class women all the time, to do their cleaning, child care, etc. It is thus an very simple leap to hire them to carry their babies as surrogate handmaids, or simply feel “entitled” to take their children from them and consider it a favor…unburdening an impoverished mother and “saving” a child from living in poverty.
No one judges mothers more stringently than women do. There’s a female TV reporter whose name slips my mind who LIVES for stories like Casey Anthony or any mother who leaves a kid in a car or in any way harms a child. The veins bulge in her neck with fury and smoke comes out of her nose when she speaks of them.
The public as a while is far more harsh on mothers who harm or neglect their children than they are on men who do. It’s part of our dual gender standards.
Once judged as “unfit” others have a “right” to their child! Being single and poor are reason enough – just ask Nadya Suleman for whom a case is being built to have those children removed and placed for adoption — by “more derseving” women.
Yes, adoption pits women against women. Rich against poor. Married against single.
As Solinger said, adoption exists on the backs of women.
How about those who fight to hang onto children whose parents try to rescind an adoption? Loving, caring CAPABLE parents? They are indeed acting like children having a temper tantrum because they are unwilling to relinquish a toy!
I know some very wonderful adoptive parents, including some who adopted as a result of infertility but maintained an open mind and thus learned and evolved and discovered it was not all about filling their needs. They recognize the harm adoption separation causes mothers and adoptees.
I also know of many, however, who have also acted in very immature and unhealthy ways once faced with reunion because they feel threatened, which stems from their feelings of inadequacy about their infertility. Society plays a part – but many need to get therapy and get over it! Instead they call us BITTER and make their children feel “grateful” for being “rescued.”
Until we reduce the socio-economic stratification and level the playing field; until we provide necessary resources to all mothers and families in need, in this country and the world; and, until we begin to put into place educationl prevetive progams to stem infertility…we will have women exploiting women for their children in a reverse Robin Hoodism that takes from the poor and gives to the wealthy.
Wow, you are really angry and really wrong! Adoption is not a feminist issue…it is a child welfare issue. I have worked in child welfare and mental health since 1979 and your argument is totally off base. Would suggest you educate yourself about child welfare and adoption before you go on a rant like this again!
You two women obviously have an agenda. Yes, there are some core issues in adoption with which all triad members have to deal and loss is one of those issues; however, your sweeping generalizations belies the reality that those of us who work in the field know. The vast majority of adoptees will tell you they believe their birth parents (not just birth mothers) made the right decision in making an adoptive plan for them. In addition, although the research supports that birth parents, especially birth mothers, never forget their child, most who have received professional birth parent services when an adoptive plan was made (i.e., meaning they have been served by a credentialled mental health therapist and not a lawyer or well intentioned pro lifer type) go on to live their lives without regret for their decision. Finally, I do agree, that in situations in which a child has been placed with a prospective adoptive family without benefit of having the birth parents’ (both mom and dad) parental rights and responsibilities terminated, the mother and/or father absolutely has the right to rescind the placement and have his or her child returned to them. However, having said that, we all need to be a bit more understanding of the human condition in those situations. This is not a woman against woman issue…it is an issue of claiming a child who was not born to you as your own. It is heartbreaking but ever so understanable. Each of you, in your rants above, have done exactly what you accuse all other women in the adoption triad of doing…pitting each against the other. Were but it was that simple. Again, suggest you read the research which does not have an agenda, as yours so obviously demonstrates above.
“Women can and must stop putting in orders for other women’s children.” Joss Shawyer, 1989. Death by Adoption
Honeybee – My agenda is to prevent unnecessary adoptions and help keep families together. My agenda is also to support and empower those of us who have lost our children to adoption to speak for ourselves, thank you.
“The vast majority of adoptees will tell you they believe their birth parents (not just birth mothers) made the right decision in making an adoptive plan for them.”
1) What is your source of this “vast majority” statement, and
2) How dare any adoptee tell a birthmother if her decision was “right” for HER?
3) What “research” shows that mothers who receive counseling “go on to live their lives without regret for their decision” and over what time period of their lives were they studied?
And, finally, Honeybee – what does any of that have to do with the FACT that no adoption exists without one mother losing her child in order for another to gain one? That’s a fact, Honeybee, not a “rant”!
Our pain is our pain. I am sorry of you are uncomfortable hearing it, but do NOT deny any of us – no matter how small a “minority” you think we are – our right to our pain. No amount of counseling will replace our loss or for many of us, our realization that we were duped – by promises of openness or being told we’d “get over it” – or being promised our kid would have a “better life” or we’d have other children.
You haven’t lived our pain, and I hope you never do…Don’t speak for us! PLEASE!
Are you a mother, Honeybee? If someone took your child, would you not have an agenda?
I agree with this statement completely: “We also live in a world that tells women that motherhood is everything, that sells the ideal of motherhood as what makes you a real woman, we live in a world that doesn’t tell women that their are other just as valuable ways of giving to the future and supporting the communities we live as having a child we can call our “own”. We live in a world that individualises child rearing rather than seeing it as a communal effort.”
As someone who does not really feel the need to have a child (fertility or infertility notwithstanding) this really makes sense to me, but I think from the opposite direction from you. For some reason people ask when I’m going to have kids, even colleagues and people I don’t especially know, like it’s compulsory. It makes me feel that it is the only use for a woman of a certain age. Also, men don’t get asked that question.
This is a really interesting post although I’m new to this adoption position. Honeybee, I hope I’m not out of line when I say that for a feminist, EVERYTHING is a feminist issue, even if it’s as a subset of all the other issues you mention.
after days of arguing, I put her feet to the fire. MaryAnne Cohen favors the removal of children from Nadya Suleman, Kate Gosselin and the Duggars!! She prefers adoption to all repro technology!
Here’s what she said:
I think it unfortunate to have to split up siblings, but when there are 14 of them, I imagine if they went into care that would have to be done. I feel it would be preferable to living with a crazy woman, and I would hope that they would be able to keep in touch with each other even though in separate homes. I feel very sorry for those children, all of them. I hope someone intervenes so they have some chance at a better life than their irresponsible, narcissistic mother is giving them. Just look at that picture of her under a heap of babies. It is disgusting.
I would love to see the Duggar’s kids and Kate and Jon’s kids removed by the state and given to people who would never give any publicity at all. It is not up to me, or you, but you asked what I thought.
I personally find most assisted reproduction repulsive, and prefer adoption for people who can’t have kids biologically. I think what Octomom did is horrible and wrong. I don’t think she gives a shit about those kids as human beings, which is why I think they will go into care eventually when she tires of them and they are no longer a meal ticket or means of publicity for her.
Please come join the conversation and invite all your readers:
http://familypreservation.blogspot.com/2010/01/nadya-suleman-aka-octomom-update.html
I think Honeybee is really wrong… I once got pregnant and something, really horrible and sad happened to me… I live in a developing country, but for reasons too complicated to explain the adoption pool is very small, in fact it is almost non-existent. When I was almost three months along, my own Gynecologist was plotting with another woman behind my back; she wanted the child. She pressured me really hard to have it (she would have made a lot of money assisting the birth anyway), but unluckily for both of them I found out. At almost three months, I had an abortion, and my doctor made cruel and even illegal things to me, (not that she was going to do them herself, she recruited two of her nurses to do that). The prospective adoptive mother, a rich woman, was pretty entitled-minded and pathetic too: she even said (sic) Why did that selfish woman had an abortion instead of having the child to give it to someone else (her of course)! I may have been selfish, but I cannot help thinking maybe a little bit less than she is!!!! I think the author has a real point: in the adoption war, sometimes it´s a WAR! always someone loses to somebody else, and that one is aften the birth mother, (all too often because of financial reasons, I can tell you!, and sometimes, but not always, because the adoptive parents adopted the child only to fulfill their own needs and even their own agenda, also the adoptee.
Here via Feministe (by a roundabout route!)
Great post. I hate the pro-life myth that adoption is some kind of “solution”, and if possible hate worse the Western privilege myth that rich wanna-be parents from developed countries are doing children from undeveloped countries some kind of favor by buying them from their own country.
But none of this is the fault of infertile women, and I like your refusal to blame a group of already-disadvantaged people. (Childfree myself: I realized when I turned 35+ that the decision to not have children had changed from a decision I was making to a decision I had made. And I didn’t mind.)