or something.
In the UK this week is National Adoption Week and in America there’s a whole month of it
And pretty much all of it is aimed at prospective adoptive parents about how rewarding adoption is, how it gives unwanted children a chance, blah, blah, blah
and a lot of adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents are talking about it and even first mothers
Adoption truly is a blessing in so many lives!
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
but something conspicuously absent is adoptees voices or feelings in this
well for some of us adoption isn’t a wonderfull thing to be celebrated or encouraged, lots of adoptees do not see adoption as a good thing, as something to be happy about. Its painful, confusing, identity annihilating. we were not something to provide adults with a sense of purpose. We were not something to be “saved” (and then more often than not be forced to be “grateful” about being “saved) And we do talk about this. There are lots of us blogging about our lives, our experinces, but we dont get listened to, we get dismissed by prospective adoptive parents, by adoptive parents, by agencies and by people who have nothing to do with adoption because the societies we live in are so invested in the lie that adoption is a win/win/win situation for everybody involved when usualy two of the three parts of that triangle loose something irreplaceable.
And I’m not just talking about adoptees who had abusive or bad adoptive parents, while we do exist and our voices are important, there are many adoptees whose adoptive parents were good people. but that doesn’t negate the adoptees sense of greif and loss
For some of us this should be a time for grieving not celebrating.
and because it is important to me that the voice of adoptees get heard this week/ month I’m linking to a couple of posts by other adoptees
Peaches Post the Living Doll Talks about her personal experience of how being an adoptee can feel
and Possums post Bitter, Angry and Ungrateful Adoptee writes about how important it is that adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents listen to us so the next generation of adoptees are better understood than wee were
Hi! I came to read your blog after I saw you referred to my blog in this post above. I am the Birth Mom blogging about adoption. I love your comment on how the adoptees feel, although I somewhat disagree. First only because from what I have seen, adoptees seem to be commenting the most on a lot of things regarding adoption. Especially on youtube! I have a few adoption videos I posted and the majority of comments I get are from adoptees saying their adoption wasn’t great and from other people just downing the whole adoption system. I know it has it’s faults, but I have a theory that all these people were probably adopted over ten years ago?
I can’t support the way it was done back in the 70’s and 80’s, they were not to nice to birth mom’s or adoptees then and most importantly the child wasn’t always put first. I was curious to know when you were adopted? I think the system has changed so much in the past 10 years. I hope my daughter is happy with my decision one day.
I don’t know how she would feel bitter or in grief over it. She will know about me as soon as she can talk and I get updates from the family every 2 months for the rest of her life and vice-versa. She has scrapbooks and letters and 5 dvds I already made for her when she does find out. I am dedication a book to her, written for adoptees, telling her story of how she was adopted. I keep a close eye on her, and I know she will know how much she is loved every minute of the day. I doubt I will ever have another child just because I cant imagine loving anything as much as her.
She is so happy and her family is so happy. I don’t see how she could feel the way you say you do. But I do know there is a part of me missing, so I guess there is inside her too. But I think that need is overshadowed by the need she would of had if I kept her, the need for simply a better life and childhood. But I’m new to this and still learning. Their are a lot of angry birth mom’s out their too, but they all seem to be from the pre-1990 adoptions too.
I think their is still much reform to be done in adoption though, and I hope to help with that effort. I think the act though of adopting, takes so much blind faith, and without God it’s got to be impossible (I feel) to get through it on either of the 3 sides of the triad. I know I wouldn’t of made it this long without Him. I shut down for a while after the adoption day. But I think with most great things in life their is also the not so great side to them too. What would you of wanted your birth “life” “natural” whatever mom to of done differently, if you don’t mind me asking? Maybe it’s not to late for me to change some things to help her!
Thanks, B
Hey Brooke
Thanks for leaving your comment
I agree with you that lots of adoptees are blogging and using youtube but in general they are not being listened to by agencies, policy makers or adoptive parents. They are just dismissed as angry or ungrateful or unstable.
I don’t think the age of the adoptee matters, they still have important things to say that need to be listened to. Also the basic structure of adoption hasn’t changed. The adoptees still loose their culture and their name and have to pretend they are related to people that they aren’t.
And there is still a really strong culture of adopted having to be grateful to their adoptive parents even if they were really bad parents.I still don’t think the child is put first. Adoptive parents adopt to fulfill a need in themselves not to full fill a need in their children
I obviously can’t speak for your situation because I’m not in it but I was in an open adoption and it still sucked. Also it sounds as if your child is quite young? so she may not understand or be able to articulate all the issues, it doesn’t mean they aren’t there for her. also adoptees are really good at hiding their feelings, after all if they have been given away once they can be giving away a gain so they modify their behaviour to stop that happening
What would you of wanted your birth “life” “natural” whatever mom to of done differently,
I would have wanted her to be given support in bringing her children up, emotional social and financial so we could have stayed with her. If that hadn’t been enough (and it might not have been because there were a lot of things going on for her) I would have rather stayed in foster care with my brothers and sisters
Wow, thanks for writing this. I didn’t know about your blog but you left a comment on mine, and I just popped over to have a look 🙂
It’s a really good point you make, and something I often think about (although admittedly I try to force those thoughts out of the way) – as we are thinking about the possibility of adopting in the future. Not sure what to say at the moment, but you’ve given me much food for thought, so thank you!
I have to disagree with your comment. There are so many AP’s who have lied to Real Mothers in Open Adoption-who promise them the world just to get their flesh and blood. Then after a year or so they take off with the woman’s child cutting off all contact. This is not fair to the Adoptee because it ends up just like closed Adoption. Nothing has changed in Adoption. Children are still forced to pretend two strangers are their Mommy and Daddy-we Adoptees are still bought and sold. Real Mothers still do not have the benefit of laws to protect AP’s in Open Adoption from taking off and cutting of contact and Real Fathers do not have any rights and that is WRONG. Closed Adoptions are still an option for Adoptive Parents, and there are still a ton of single Mothers who are being brainwashed every day that they can not parent their own child because they are single and should give away their baby-many are still being coeorsed to do so, especially by Christian groups instead of forgiven for getting pregnant out of wedlock which God will forgive them for. The Adoption Industry still wants to make millions by breaking up familiies every day and that hasn’t changed since 1951 either. Neither have all the lies still being told to keep our records closed.
con’t
so I guess I don’t understand why you think the system changed-I am glad you are still in touch with the child you gave up, but this isn’t the end result for alot of Real Mothers and Adoptees-I just kind of wish you might realize that your situation isn’t the same for alot of people when you post your story, because alot of people like me, know you are the exception, not the rule. Thanks if you do.
but shame on you if you don’t because there are already too many lies concerning Adoption.
Thanks for commenting debicrow
I think all too often adoption is sold a a good thing for everyone. I personally am anti adoption totally but I also think its really important for prospective adoptive parents to educate themselves on how it feels for adoptees and the best way to do this is by listening to adult adoptees.
“What would you of wanted your birth “life” “natural” whatever mom to of done differently, if you don’t mind me asking? Maybe it’s not to late for me to change some things to help her!
Thanks, B”
You know….I read this blog-and after reading your comment again I am pissed. And I feel sick. So I am going to say this. I am going to answer your question since you are such a happy yappy “birth maryter” as some of the BSE Mothers put it-the type that oh so love Adoption-and refuse to see why giving away their own baby is wrong-if my “birth Mother” was like you, I’d say I’d of wanted you to of gotten off your lazy ass and and worked your ass off to take care of me LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TOO-because it is YOUR responsibilty, because you are the one who had sex, and you are the one who made me-(and I am speaking as a single Mother myself who broke her back for my kid who I kept) not give your, no, have your responsiblity SOLD to someone else-you are SUPPOSED to love your child-you are supposed to be there for your child, as in living with your child everyday, as that is the only way your child would beleive that you love your child-children in Open Adoption still feel rejected by their Real Mothers, and you had no right to make your child feel rejected-I would also not want my Real Mother to go all over the fucking internet and say how much she loves Adoption because Adoptees take that as Real Mothers loving that they got rid of us-how would you feel if your Real Mother did that to you? If someone has a child, it is up to them to work and do the best they can-money will never make up for feeling rejected, or not getting to know their Real Mother that well, or at all. It is BEYOND pathetic you can not see that.
Sincerely,
Another bitter angry disgruntled Adoptee….
And oh yeah-here is a footnote-I don’t feel that way about women who regret giving their child away-and are sorry-and see what they did was wrong-and who know Adoption is horrible now-just to clarify….